As September rolls by, I wonder if I'll look back on this time with my children with warm memories. I hope I'll block out all the craziness that accompanies it. There never seems to be enough hours in the day. I'm always doing things to put out fires. Is this what people call the journey?? I think I'm supposed to be enjoying it, not dreading each day as I rise. Perhaps I'm a perfectionist. I feel like a perfectionist wouldn't have dog hair all over her crawling baby because she didn't get to the vacuuming that day. She would have squeezed it in. And she wouldn't have dust on her furniture, she would have gotten up early to wipe it off. So I don't think I'm a perfectionist. I feel beat down. Like some giant invisible oaf has his thumb on me and is squishing me into the earth while laughing and saying "You'll never do it all!!! Hahaha!!" I need help--emotional and physical help. Someone throw me a lifeline. I'm sinking.

Whoa!! We are busy!

Well, school started this week, and you would think it would help having the older kids in school. Absolutely untrue. It truly amazes me how much goes into starting each school year. In addition, J started preschool, and carting kids back and forth never seems to end.

We also started activities this week, which includes gymnastics for the oldest and youngest. The older middle has a football game tomorrow, and religious ed. will start-up soon. No wonder people stop having kids after one or two. Some days I really don't know if I can get everything done. I wake up every day with my mind buzzing with all the things that have to get done. I make my list and as I cross things off, I really feel accomplished, but it just seems that I start the next day with an equally big list. Sometimes I feel like I race through the day trying to get all the tasks complete, but knowing that I'll never be done, there will always be more. I get really frustrated. And then you add on the guilt that I don't really play with the kids as much as I should and I hope that I'm giving each one of them enough of me so they don't grow up warped. It's an overwhelming responsibility. Then you share a funny time with them, and it doesn't seem so bad. Having kids is crazy...

Why is it that working or not, moms always do more (it seems like it to me)? Why can't my husband schedule the dr appt's and activities, sign up to volunteer or pay the bills? I work full time, and yet a lot more still falls on me. Maybe I don't know how to say no. I think that is probably the problem. Just yesterday I found myself going to a meeting (which means I'm on another committee) that I clearly don't have time for. I'm studying for an exam on top of all of this, which will thankfully be on the 20th--hopefully I'll be prepared. I try to squeeze in study time whenever I can--waiting in line, at work when I have a few minutes, or at lunch. I'm hoping its enough. It's a lot of money to waste if I don't pass.

Well, as I sit here and type, there are baby clothes to go through. I need to purge and sitting here is not getting the job done.